Let’s be clear: having a fear of commitment is not a character flaw. It doesn’t mean you are broken, selfish, or unlovable. For most people, this fear is a learned response—a shield your mind created to protect you from potential pain, abandonment, or the loss of your independence. It’s a survival strategy that may have served you in the past but is now getting in the way of your happiness. Instead of judging yourself, it’s time to get curious about where this feeling comes from. By exploring the roots of your anxiety, you can begin to heal and develop new, healthier patterns. The first step is often the hardest, but when you’re ready to book a therapy session for commitment phobia, you’re choosing to invest in your future happiness.

Key Takeaways

• Fear is a pattern, not a personality trait: A fear of commitment is often a learned protective mechanism stemming from past hurts, family dynamics, or a fear of losing yourself. Recognizing this allows you to approach the issue with compassion instead of self-criticism.
• Therapy offers practical tools for change: Effective therapy, using approaches like CBT or IFS, gives you specific strategies to challenge anxious thoughts and understand your internal conflicts. The goal is to learn how to respond to your fears differently, giving you more control over your actions.
• Start with one manageable step: You do not need to commit to long-term therapy right away. The process can begin simply by researching a specialist, scheduling a free consultation, or even just committing to a single session to see how it feels.

What Is Commitment Phobia?

Let's talk about commitment phobia. It’s a term that gets thrown around a lot, but at its core, it’s a genuine and often overwhelming fear of long-term dedication in a relationship. If you find yourself pulling away just as things start to feel serious, you're not alone. This isn't a sign that you're incapable of love or that something is wrong with you. More often than not, it’s a protective instinct kicking in, a way your mind tries to shield you from potential hurt. This fear can feel like a constant push and pull, where you might deeply want a lasting connection but feel an irresistible urge to run when it gets too close.

Understanding this fear is the first step. It’s not about a lack of feelings for your partner; it’s about the anxiety tied to the idea of "forever." People with gamophobia, another name for the fear of commitment, often feel intense anxiety within a relationship and may constantly worry that it’s doomed to fail. Recognizing that this is a common human experience can help you approach it with self-compassion instead of self-criticism. It’s a pattern, and like any pattern, it can be understood and changed with the right support.

Watch For These Key Symptoms

So, how do you know if you're dealing with a genuine fear of commitment? It often shows up in specific, repeating patterns. You might notice a feeling of panic when a partner brings up the future or says "I love you." It can also be more subtle. Maybe you find yourself nitpicking, focusing on your partner's small flaws as a reason to end things before they get too serious. A history of many short-term relationships that fizzle out around the same point is another common sign. This isn't just about dating; it's a cycle where you might want to get closer but feel an invisible wall go up, creating anxiety and a need for distance.

Commitment Phobia vs. Not Being Ready

It’s important to draw a line between having a fear of commitment and simply not being ready for one. Preferring casual dating or wanting to focus on your career for a while is perfectly valid and doesn't automatically point to a phobia. The real difference lies in the internal conflict. Commitment issues become a problem when you genuinely desire a long-term, healthy relationship but find yourself unable to achieve it because fear consistently gets in the way. If you feel stuck in a loop of sabotaging promising connections despite wanting them to work, that’s a good indicator that something deeper than just "not being ready" is at play.

Myths That Stop People From Seeking Help

A few persistent myths can make it hard to address commitment fears. First, let's clear this up: there is no proof that men struggle with commitment more than women. This fear doesn't discriminate by gender; anyone can experience it. Another harmful idea is that having this fear means you're broken or unlovable. That couldn't be further from the truth. Having fears around vulnerability and long-term partnership just means you're human. Acknowledging this can reduce feelings of shame and anxiety, creating space for you to grow. Remember, seeking help isn't a sign of weakness; it's a powerful act of strength and self-care.

What Causes a Fear of Commitment?

If the thought of a long-term relationship sends you into a panic, you’re not alone. This fear isn’t a character flaw or a sign that you just haven’t met the right person. More often than not, a fear of commitment (sometimes called gamophobia) has deep roots that are worth exploring. Understanding where this feeling comes from is the first step toward building the secure, lasting relationships you want.

Most of the time, these fears are a way to protect yourself from getting hurt again. They can stem from painful past experiences, the relationship dynamics you observed growing up, or a deeper anxiety about what true intimacy requires. By looking at these potential causes, you can start to untangle the anxiety and approach relationships with more confidence and clarity. At The Relationship Clinic, we help people understand these patterns every day, creating a safe space to work through them.

Past Trauma and Painful Breakups

A difficult past experience can leave a lasting mark on your ability to trust in the future. If you’ve been through a particularly painful breakup, a messy divorce (your own or your parents'), or felt abandoned by someone you loved, it’s completely natural to build walls around your heart. Your mind learns to associate commitment with pain, and it develops a powerful instinct to avoid that pain again. This self-preservation tactic can feel like it’s keeping you safe, but it can also prevent you from forming the meaningful connections you crave.

Childhood and Family Dynamics

Our earliest understanding of relationships often comes from watching our parents or caregivers. If you grew up seeing unhealthy relationships, constant fighting, or the emotional fallout from a divorce, you might have learned that commitment leads to unhappiness. These childhood observations can create an unconscious belief that long-term relationships are unstable, unsafe, or destined to fail. You may not even realize you’re carrying these lessons with you, but they can quietly influence your willingness to commit to a partner as an adult.

A Fear of True Intimacy

Sometimes, the fear isn’t about the other person at all. It’s about what you might lose by getting closer to them. For many, commitment can feel like a threat to their independence and sense of self. You might worry about making the wrong choice, feeling trapped, or losing the freedom you value. This fear can also be tied to a deeper anxiety about not being good enough or a belief that the positive feelings will inevitably fade. It’s a common conflict for people who truly want deep connections but are overwhelmed by the vulnerability that comes with them.

How a Fear of Commitment Affects Your Relationships

A fear of commitment doesn’t just stop you from making long-term plans; it can quietly sabotage your relationships from the very beginning. It creates a painful cycle that affects you, your partner, and the potential for a future together. If you have this fear, you might find it almost impossible to form lasting, close relationships. You may feel a constant hum of anxiety when you’re with someone, always worried that it will end. This can lead you to push people away or end things abruptly, often right when the connection starts to deepen.

Internally, this struggle can be isolating. While you might crave a deep connection, the fear holds you back, leading to less satisfying relationships that can feed feelings of loneliness or worthlessness. Over time, these commitment issues can even make mental health problems like anxiety and depression more challenging to manage. You might avoid talking about the future, struggle to open up emotionally, and feel trapped in a pattern you don’t know how to break.

For a partner, being with someone who fears commitment is often confusing and emotionally draining. The hot-and-cold behavior of opening up and then pulling away can be upsetting and damaging to their own mental well-being. This dynamic often leads to the relationship ending, which can unfortunately reinforce the original fear that commitment leads to pain. Ultimately, this fear prevents you from building the secure, fulfilling connections that are essential for personal growth and happiness.

Which Therapy Is Best for Commitment Phobia?

If you’re looking for support, you might be wondering which type of therapy is the right fit. The truth is, there’s no single "best" therapy for commitment phobia. The most effective approach is often the one that resonates most with you and your specific situation. Many therapists, including our team at The Relationship Clinic, don't stick rigidly to one method. Instead, we blend different therapeutic techniques to create a plan that is tailored to your personal history, thought patterns, and relationship goals.

The goal is to find a path that helps you understand the root of your fears and gives you practical tools to build the secure, lasting relationships you deserve. Think of it less like finding a magic key and more like building a custom toolkit. Below are a few highly effective therapeutic approaches that have helped many people work through their fear of commitment. As you read, see which one feels like it speaks to your experience. This can be a great starting point for a conversation with a potential therapist.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, is a practical, goal-oriented approach that helps you identify and challenge the unhelpful thought patterns that fuel your fear of commitment. If your mind automatically jumps to worst-case scenarios when a relationship gets serious, CBT can give you the tools to question those thoughts. For example, you might learn to reframe a thought like, "This will end in heartbreak," to something more balanced, like, "This is a new relationship, and while I can't predict the future, I can choose to be present and enjoy it." Research shows that CBT is very effective for anxiety-related issues, which often go hand-in-hand with commitment phobia. It’s about changing your behavior by first changing your thoughts.

Internal Family Systems (IFS)

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a compassionate approach that views your mind as being made up of different "parts." For instance, you might have one part that deeply craves connection and intimacy, and another part that is terrified of being abandoned or losing its independence. These parts are often in conflict, which can leave you feeling stuck. With Internal Family Systems, you’ll learn to understand where each part is coming from and what it’s trying to protect you from. Instead of fighting these internal feelings, you’ll learn to listen to them and help them work together, leading to a greater sense of inner harmony and confidence in your relationships.

Relational Couples Therapy

If you're currently in a relationship, your fear of commitment doesn't just affect you; it impacts your partner and the dynamic you share. Relational Couples Therapy brings both of you into the conversation. This approach creates a safe, structured space where you can talk openly about your fears without judgment. It helps you and your partner understand the patterns you fall into and how your commitment anxiety shows up in your daily interactions. By working with a therapist, you can improve communication, build a stronger emotional connection, and learn to face these fears as a team. This can be an incredibly powerful way to heal, as your partner becomes part of the solution.

Mindfulness-Based Approaches

Mindfulness-based therapies, like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), teach you to relate to your anxious thoughts and feelings in a new way. Instead of trying to suppress or get rid of your fear, you learn to observe it with curiosity and without judgment. You might notice the thought, "I feel trapped," and instead of panicking, you can simply acknowledge it as a thought passing through your mind. This practice helps you detach from the anxiety, reducing its power over your decisions. Studies have found that mindfulness is just as effective as other methods for anxiety, giving you the freedom to act on your values (like building a loving partnership) rather than your fears.

Can Therapy Really Help With Commitment Phobia?

Yes, absolutely. If you feel trapped by a fear of commitment, therapy can be an incredibly effective way to find freedom and build the relationships you truly want. It’s not about someone telling you what to do; it’s about getting the right support to understand where your fear comes from and developing the tools to move past it. Think of a therapist as a guide who helps you see the thought patterns that are holding you back, so you can finally take control of them. The process is collaborative, meaning you are always in the driver's seat, deciding what feels right for you.

A common and effective approach is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which focuses on identifying and changing the negative thoughts that fuel your anxiety about commitment. For example, a thought like, “This relationship will end in pain, just like the last one,” can be challenged and reframed into something more balanced and hopeful. A therapist can teach you how to spot these automatic thoughts and question their validity. Over time, this practice helps rewire your brain’s response to commitment, reducing anxiety and opening you up to connection. Therapy also provides a safe, confidential space to practice these new ways of thinking and learn how to communicate your fears and needs to a partner, which is a huge step in itself. You don’t have to figure this out alone.

What You'll Work Through in Therapy

In your sessions, you’ll have the chance to explore your personal history and past relationships to uncover the roots of your commitment issues. This often means looking at whether you have an avoidant attachment style, which can make emotional closeness feel overwhelming or even threatening. It’s a pattern that can develop for many reasons, and understanding it is the first step toward changing it. Therapy gives you a dedicated space to process old hurts and disappointments, allowing you to enter new relationships with a clean slate instead of carrying the weight of past pain with you.

How Long Does Therapy for Commitment Phobia Take?

This is one of the most common questions, and the honest answer is: it’s different for everyone. There is no set timeline for working through a fear of commitment. The length of therapy depends on your unique history, your personal goals, and how much you’re able to practice the new skills you learn outside of your sessions. The goal isn’t a quick fix but lasting change. Our experienced therapists are dedicated to supporting you at your own pace, helping you build a solid foundation for healthier relationships, however long that takes.

Create Healthier Relationship Patterns

Ultimately, therapy is about action. It helps you build new habits and create healthier relationship patterns, one step at a time. You might start by setting small, manageable commitment goals in different areas of your life to build your confidence. This gradual process makes commitment feel less like a scary leap and more like a series of steady steps. You’ll also learn to redefine what commitment means to you. Many people fear losing their independence, but therapy can help you see how a truly healthy partnership supports your personal growth and freedom, rather than taking it away.

How to Find the Right Therapist

Finding a therapist can feel like a big step, but it’s one of the most powerful things you can do for your future relationships. The key is finding someone who truly gets it. The right therapist acts as a guide, helping you understand your patterns and build the confidence to create healthy, lasting connections. Think of this search not as a chore, but as the first step in taking control of your love life. It's about finding a partner in your growth, someone who can offer both expertise and a safe space to explore your fears. This process is an investment in yourself and the future you want to build, one where you feel secure and capable of deep connection.

Look for a Relationship-Focused Therapist

While any therapist can offer support, someone who specializes in relationships will have a deeper understanding of your specific challenges. A relationship-focused therapist can help you explore why you struggle with commitment, connecting the dots between your present fears and past experiences. They are equipped with specific tools and frameworks designed to address relational dynamics, attachment styles, and communication breakdowns. Instead of general guidance, you’ll get targeted support from someone who has helped many others work through similar issues. When you find a specialist, you’re not just talking about your problems; you’re actively learning the skills to build the secure, committed relationship you deserve.

Check Credentials and Specializations

It’s important to know you’re working with a qualified professional. Look for credentials like LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist), LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor), or LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker). These licenses mean the therapist has met rigorous state requirements for education and training. Beyond credentials, look at their specializations. Do they have experience with specific approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Internal Family Systems (IFS)? These methods are particularly effective for addressing the thought patterns and internal conflicts behind commitment fears. A therapist’s website or profile should list their qualifications and the therapeutic approaches they use, helping you find someone whose methods align with your needs.

In-Person vs. Online Therapy: Which Is Right for You?

Deciding between in-person and online therapy comes down to what works best for you. Some people prefer the dedicated, face-to-face environment of an office, finding it easier to connect without digital distractions. Others value the convenience and comfort of online sessions, which can fit more easily into a busy schedule and be attended from anywhere. Neither option is better than the other; it’s about what makes you feel most comfortable and open. Remember, you don't need a partner to start working on commitment issues. Individual therapy can help you build a strong foundation while you’re single, giving you the space to focus entirely on your own growth.

Ask These Questions in Your Consultation

Most therapists offer a brief, free consultation call. This is your chance to interview them and see if it’s a good fit. Don’t be shy about asking direct questions. It shows you’re invested in the process.

Come prepared with a few questions to guide the conversation. You could ask:

• What is your experience helping people with a fear of commitment?
• What does your therapeutic approach look like for this issue?
• How will we track progress together?
• How do you help clients learn to communicate their fears to a partner?

This initial chat is all about gauging your comfort level with the therapist. Pay attention to how they respond and whether you feel heard and understood. When you're ready, you can reach out to schedule a consultation.

How to Book Your First Therapy Session

Taking the step to book your first therapy session is a significant and empowering decision. It can also feel a little overwhelming if you don't know where to start. The good news is that the process is more straightforward than you might think. Breaking it down into a few simple steps can help you move forward with confidence. Think of this as a practical guide to getting the support you deserve. From finding the right person to talk to, figuring out the finances, and preparing for that initial conversation, here’s how you can arrange your first appointment.

Step 1: Research Relationship Specialists

The first step is to find a therapist who specializes in the challenges you're facing. You want someone who can help you understand why you feel the way you do, whether your fears stem from past relationships or family dynamics. Look for professionals with experience in relationship therapy, commitment issues, and related approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Internal Family Systems (IFS). Reading about a clinic’s team of therapists can give you a sense of their expertise and approach. A therapist’s bio can tell you a lot about their philosophy and whether they feel like the right fit for you.

Step 2: Clarify Costs and Insurance

Therapy is an investment in your well-being, and it’s important to understand the financial side before you begin. Start by checking with your insurance provider to see what mental health benefits are covered. Ask about co-pays, deductibles, and whether you need a referral. If you plan to pay out-of-pocket, ask the clinic directly about their session rates. Some practices offer a sliding scale based on income, so don't hesitate to inquire about flexible payment options. Getting clarity on the costs upfront allows you to focus on your healing without financial stress later on.

Step 3: Book a Consultation

Most therapists offer a brief, complimentary consultation call. This is your opportunity to ask questions and get a feel for their personality and style, and it's a crucial step in finding the right match. During the call, you can briefly explain what you’re looking for and hear how they might be able to help. This is a low-pressure conversation, not a therapy session. It’s all about determining if you feel comfortable and understood. When you're ready, you can reach out to schedule a consultation and take that important first step.

Step 4: Figure Out the Logistics

Once you’ve found a therapist you connect with, it’s time to sort out the practical details. You’ll need to decide on a consistent time for your appointments that fits into your schedule. Discuss the recommended frequency of sessions with your therapist, whether it's weekly or bi-weekly. You should also confirm whether you'll be meeting in person or online. Many clinics offer both options, giving you the flexibility to choose what works best for you. Watching a clinic's informational videos can also help you get more comfortable with their approach before your first session.

Step 5: Prepare for Your First Session

You don’t need to have everything figured out before your first appointment, but a little preparation can help you feel more at ease. As suggested by researchers, writing down your thoughts can help you clarify your feelings and fears. Consider jotting down a few notes about what brought you to therapy, what you hope to achieve, and any specific patterns or situations you’ve noticed in your relationships. You can also prepare a few questions for the therapist. Having these points on hand can help guide the conversation, but remember, it’s your therapist’s job to lead the session. Just show up as you are.

Feeling Hesitant to Start? Here’s What to Do

Taking the first step toward therapy can feel like the hardest part. It’s completely normal to feel a mix of hope and hesitation. You’re considering looking at parts of your life that might be confusing or painful, and that takes courage. If you find yourself on the fence, remember that you don’t have to have it all figured out before you begin. Instead of focusing on the entire journey, just concentrate on these small, manageable steps to get you started.

Commit to Just One Session

The idea of long-term therapy can be intimidating. So, don’t think about it that way. Instead, just commit to one single session. Think of it as a conversation, a chance to see what it feels like to talk openly in a safe space. You don’t need a partner to start, either. Therapy can help you explore your personal history and relationship patterns to build a stronger foundation for the future, whether you're single or in a relationship. Your only goal is to show up for that first hour. If it feels right, you can book another. If not, you’ve lost nothing and gained a little more clarity. You can always reach out for a consultation to see if it's a good fit.

Talk to Someone You Trust

Fear often grows in silence. Voicing your anxieties about commitment can take away some of their power. If you have a partner, being honest about your fears can be a powerful step. A supportive partner will likely appreciate your vulnerability and be willing to be patient as you work through things. If you’re not in a relationship, or don’t feel comfortable sharing with a partner yet, talk to a close friend or family member. The simple act of talking about your feelings and being heard can make the path forward feel less lonely and much more achievable.

Remember: Seeking Help Is a Sign of Strength

Let’s clear up a common misconception: going to therapy isn’t a sign of weakness or failure. It’s a sign of self-awareness and strength. Recognizing that something isn’t working and taking proactive steps to change it is one of the most powerful things you can do for yourself and your future relationships. A therapist can provide guidance and support, helping you understand the root causes of your fears. Working with a professional gives you the tools to learn healthier ways of connecting with others and breaking old patterns. It’s an investment in your own happiness and well-being.

What to Expect in Your First Therapy Session

Walking into your first therapy session can feel a little intimidating, but it’s really just a conversation. Think of it as a get-to-know-you meeting where you and your therapist see if you’re a good fit. The main goal is for you to feel safe and heard, so you can start to open up without pressure. You don’t need to have everything figured out before you arrive, and you certainly don't need to have a perfectly rehearsed story. Your therapist is there to guide the conversation, ask thoughtful questions, and help you start to connect the dots between your feelings and your experiences.

This first meeting is the starting point for exploring your feelings about commitment. A therapist can help you understand why you have commitment issues, whether the reasons stem from recent heartbreaks or experiences from your childhood. You won't be expected to share your deepest secrets right away. Instead, you’ll work together to set a pace that feels comfortable for you. It’s about building a foundation of trust so you can begin the work of building healthier, more secure relationships. This is your time, and you are in control of how much you share. The session is confidential, creating a private space for you to be your most authentic self.

What to Discuss in Your First Session

In your first session, your therapist will likely ask what brought you to therapy. You can start by talking about your current relationship patterns, the anxieties you feel about commitment, and what you hope to change. It’s okay if your thoughts feel jumbled; just explaining your situation out loud can be a powerful first step. You can also discuss your goals. Do you want to feel more comfortable in a long-term relationship? Do you want to understand why you pull away when things get serious? Sharing these goals helps your therapist tailor their approach to your specific needs.

Be Honest About Your Relationship History

Being open about your past is one of the most helpful things you can do in therapy. Your therapist is trained to listen without judgment. Their role is to help you look at your past relationships and personal history to identify recurring patterns or unresolved pain that might be contributing to your fear of commitment. This isn’t about blaming yourself or others; it’s about gaining insight. By examining your history in a safe environment, you can start to understand the protective walls you’ve built and learn how to let them down when you’re ready. Our team at The Relationship Clinic is here to support you through that process.

Understand How Therapy Progresses

Therapy for commitment phobia is a process, not a one-time fix. Progress happens gradually as you build trust with your therapist and gain a deeper understanding of yourself. Your therapist may use specific techniques to help you move forward. For example, some use a method of graded exposure, where you take small, manageable steps toward intimacy and connection at a pace that doesn't feel overwhelming. Different therapeutic approaches offer unique paths to healing. The key is consistency and a willingness to be patient with yourself as you learn new ways of relating to others and to yourself.

Take the First Step Toward Healthier Relationships

Deciding to address a fear of commitment can feel like a huge hurdle, but it's also the first real step toward building the secure, lasting love you deserve. If you consistently find yourself pulling away just when things get serious, know that this is often a protective instinct, not a sign that you're incapable of love. Many people experience this, and it’s a pattern that can be understood and changed. The goal is to move forward with self-compassion, and our therapists are dedicated to helping you foster personal growth and find healthier ways to connect.

Therapy offers a confidential space to make sense of these feelings without judgment. It allows you to explore where this fear comes from, whether it’s tied to past heartbreaks or family dynamics, and start developing new relationship patterns. Working with a professional gives you the tools to understand your triggers and respond to them differently, so you can stop repeating cycles that no longer serve you. When you feel ready, you can contact our clinic to find a therapist who specializes in these exact challenges.

Remember to be patient with yourself through this process. Overcoming a deep-seated fear doesn’t happen overnight, and every small step forward is a victory. If you're currently in a relationship, being open with your partner about your fears can also make a world of difference. A supportive partner can be your greatest ally as you work toward building a future together, creating a foundation of trust and understanding along the way.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I know if it's a fear of commitment or if I'm just with the wrong person? This is a question that can keep you up at night. The key difference often lies in the pattern. If you find yourself feeling anxious, nitpicking flaws, and wanting to run at a similar stage in every promising relationship, it likely points to a deeper fear of commitment. However, if your concerns are specific to one person whose core values, life goals, or behaviors are genuinely incompatible with yours, it might simply be a poor match. A therapist can help you sort through these feelings to tell the difference between a recurring internal fear and a legitimate external issue.

My partner has a fear of commitment. What can I do? It can be incredibly difficult and confusing to be on the other side of this fear. The most supportive thing you can do is approach the situation with patience and curiosity instead of pressure. Try to create a safe space where your partner can talk about their anxieties without fear of judgment. You can also suggest relational couples therapy, which allows you to address the issue as a team. It's equally important to be honest with yourself about your own needs and boundaries so you can take care of your well-being throughout the process.

Will therapy force me to commit before I'm ready? Absolutely not. A good therapist’s role is never to push you into a decision or a life stage you aren't comfortable with. The goal of therapy is to help you understand yourself better, so you can get clear on what you truly want, separate from the anxiety. It's a collaborative process designed to empower you. You'll learn to make choices based on your own values and desires, not on fear, and you will always be in control of the pace.

Can I overcome commitment phobia on my own? Self-reflection is a great starting point, and you can learn a lot by reading about relationship patterns and attachment styles. However, working with a therapist offers something you can't get on your own: a trained, objective perspective. A professional can help you see blind spots, challenge unhelpful thought patterns with proven methods like CBT, and provide a structured path forward. Think of it as the difference between reading a map and having an experienced guide by your side.

Does having a fear of commitment mean I don't actually love my partner? This is a common worry, but the two are not mutually exclusive. You can feel a deep, genuine love for someone and, at the same time, be terrified by the idea of a long-term future. The fear is rarely about your partner; it's usually a protective mechanism rooted in past experiences, a fear of being hurt, or anxiety about losing your independence. Understanding that your love for your partner and your fear of commitment are two separate things is a huge step.